Saturday, April 14, 2012
I was born in a body that's a lemon.
My heart didn't work properly.
Then my hands and feet and some of my internal organs didn't grow to proper size because of my terrible circulation.
Thankfully my brain compensated with it's huge super charged smart cells :P
Knowing that my body is a lemon, I'm always waiting for the next thing to go wrong.
These terrible feelings of doom happen most often when I'm healthy.
Every lump and bump I feel is gonna kill me.
I know it.
Every headache isn't due to dehydration, weather, or aspartame withdrawal. Nope, it's a brain tumor. I'm pretty sure.
My heart is working so well right now that something else has got to go wrong to balance out the universe.
The fates wouldn't let me be healthy for any good amount of time.
Last night I had a dream that I knew that I had a brain tumor really deep in there. The doctors ran a bunch of tests and said that I was indeed dying, but they couldn't figure out why. And the only test they could do to figure it out was an MRI. The exact test I can never have because I have a pacemaker and tons of metallic things (including a metal mesh wiry thing holding my new heart valve in place) in my body. GAH!
So the doctors basically told me to suck it up and accept that I was dying and that they were going to do nothing about it. *sigh*
But you see that this fear of being healthy is very deep in my subconscious.
And the worst part? If that dream wasn't bad enough?
I sometimes think that if I am healthy, it gives the fates some opening to make someone around me sick instead.
I always had that fear when I was a kid that if I was feeling too well, my brother or sister would get sick in my place. And now I worry that my kids will be a target.
I know it's completely irrational but I can't help it.
I guess it's part of the martyrdom that we all feel as mothers. And then it's just amped up in my case because I was born with serious health issues.
And then it's particularly bad this week because my brother messed up his back last year and is waiting on results of an MRI right now. His doctor went on holidays without discussing the results with him first. What is that?
So if the fates really do work like that - please just make me sick and leave my family alone.
Wow! I'm a bummer this morning.
I just gotta remember this:
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