Saturday, 21 January 2012

Secret Mommyhood Confession Saturday #18

I'm a list maker.

No - that's not the confession.  Everyone who knows me knows that I'm a list maker.  (and it's not bolded, so it isn't a true confession).

Nope the confession is this:

Every time I write something on a list, I write the item with the thought in mind that I might somehow lose this list, someone will find it, then that someone will read it, and I had better write this particular list in such a way as to not come off as a total freak, slob, bad parent, etc to this complete stranger who is now reading my list.

Yeah... I'm a tad paranoid.

So for example, when I write a grocery list and we really need the following items: Oreos, chocolate chips, ice cream, Jello, and Goldfish Crackers - I will try desperately to think of some healthy things that we need too.  Cuz I don't want to look like a fat piggy and bad parent who only buys junk when going to the grocery store (even though that's totally what we do) to this imagined stranger who finds my list and reads it.  So I add things like bananas and broccoli in between the junk items.

Yeah... a tad paranoid.

Then I get all worried that I spelled Broccoli incorrectly.  And what would this person think if I spelled all the junk food correctly and then flubbed Broccoli? 

Paranoid much?

But it's gets even more convoluted.  I start thinking that this stranger who is reading my list is going to read about the ... ahem... personal products that I need.  And yes, I have to write them on the list because I don't actually go grocery shopping most of the time.  Terry does that grunt work in my house, so I can't just remember these things and discretely put them in the cart.  And he's gonna lose the list - just saying....  And then someone is gonna pick it up and read it...

So, how to write these products without saying: "Tawny's toothpaste" on the list?  Terry and the kids also use toothpaste and it's a different brand than mine, so I gotta write something to signify that the product is for me.  And then this stranger will read "Tawny" and know it's me for sure.  Because really... how many Tawny's do you know?

So paranoid.

And then this stranger will think all sorts of bad thoughts about me.  OMG Tawny likes Oreos and chocolate chips and ice cream and I bet she eats them by crumbling them all up into a bowl and downing the entire shot at once!  ACK!

This means that I always write: "Mama's toothpaste" on the list.  There are a ton of mamas in the world.  This stranger will never guess that it's me!  YES!

There's a whole other problem with the really personal products that I need.  I write "Mama's Shave Gel" on the list.  But what if this stranger thinks, jeez this mama shaves her face - what a freak!  So I always make sure to write: "Mama's Shave Gel (pink)" on the list, cuz you would never shave your face with pink shave gel.  I mean - come on! hehehe... at least that is the reasoning.

That and the fact that Terry will buy me mens deodorant and say it's shave gel if I don't write the exact colour it is on the list. Men aren't really good at figuring that stuff out.

Yeah... I'm a tad overthinking this whole thing right?

And a bit paranoid perhaps?

Do you imagine a secret reader when you write a list?  I bet you will now! hehehe


I'm sharing my massive hysteria with the kind and non-judgmental folks over at All Work and No Play Make Mommy Go Something Something.  Share you confession too?



PrairiePeasant said...

I don't worry about someone reading my list, but I totally get the part about writing exactly what you need when the MR. goes shopping. brand, size, colour of container, and on and on, and it's still hit and miss...

Kimberly said...

Are you living in my brain?!
I. Do. The .exact. Same. Thing.
I'll write than rewrite the list just in case someone sees it. I don't want them to be all "Her writing is terrible. Her spelling is atrocious. And she's buying Benefibre. She's so constipated."
And for things that are femine related or just weird in general I use abbreviations. Like tampons are pony...why because.
Yes. I am weird.