Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Bodily Rebellion

*** Disclaimer: The following is a rant from a serious control freak. Don't be scared - it's not contagious ***

Like any good control freak I can tell you exactly when I became a control freak. I was three. I had been in the hospital too long with too many doctors and nurses and too much stuff happening to me that was completely out of my control. So I became tough and worked at controlling every other thing in your life that is possible to have control over. Or as my dad affectionately tell me: "You're too stubborn to die."

And I've been that way for 31 years now.

Be tough, fight it out, mind over matter. This mind over matter attitude has helped me have two healthy, beautiful children and relatively no complications with my heart for these 31 years.

Since learning that I will be getting heart valve replacement surgery though, my brain has decided to lose a little bit of its fight. This betrayal is NOT cool.

"Oh I don't need to fight the cold weather to get Logan to school today. We can just stay home and be warm instead."

"I don't need to exercise today. I'm tired, I should rest."

"I'll be getting help soon, so why not let Terry get up in the middle of the night with Lane. I'm tired."

What?!! These type of excuses are circulating in my brain constantly these past few months. UNACCEPTABLE!!

Forgive the terrible drawing. I am not an artist. But this is exactly how I feel. My brain has up and left and totally betrayed me. The likeness is striking isn't it?

Sometimes I wish I could unlearn this little bit of information. Then I'd be forced to keep on keeping on with no relief in sight. Instead, I'm left with a body that knows it's going to have help soon and I've lost my fight just at the critical moment when I need it the most.

I'm so tired and frustrated and frazzled today. I need my brain to come back and give me a stern talking to.

You're not a quitter!
You are a tough cookie!
You will make it through this and keep fighting!

I'll be getting some help soon though... right?

P.S. Welcome to heart month... no Project Upcycle this year. With this surgery date up in the air, I don't have the time to make it as good as last year. But there will be plenty of heart news and upcycling as always anyway.